Don’t panic. Your child did not get into their first-choice college. After years of preparation, the anxiety of test-taking, perfecting their essay – perhaps, even a not-insignificant expenditure on tutors, advisors, coaches, etc. – all culminating in a rejection letter from your child’s top-choice school.
The silver lining? Though painful, one of the most powerful and effective tools to build positive mental health for preteens, teens and young adults is resilience.
Resilience has been proven in study after study to protect people from mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety. However, resilience isn’t something that comes easily. It is forged in a crucible of hardship and disappointment. And college rejection, for some, is the first and most significant test of resilience in a young adult’s life.
That said, I wouldn’t advise parents to throw a party for every rejection letter that rolls in. The pain your child may be feeling now is real and immediate. But as you help your child to navigate this emotional time, keep the concept of resilience in the back of your mind to help frame the discussion.
Open up the conversation. Then let them talk.
Invite your child to speak about their feelings, and then sit back and actively listen. Don’t interrupt them or minimize what they’re saying. This may be the first and most significant rejection of their lives. They need to know that you are there to support them and to listen with compassion.
Encourage your child to deal with their stress in a healthy way.
Journaling and engaging in physical activities are positive ways they can manage disappointment today and into the future.
Help them decide next steps.
If they were accepted into other schools, encourage in-person or virtual tours to help them decide where they’d like to go. Suggest that they reach out to department chairs at those universities in areas that interest them. Helping them focus on solutions gives them space to build resilience and can make the initial rejection seem like a blessing in disguise (which it sometimes is).
Don’t dismiss the community college route.
With tuition well out of reach for many families, community colleges remain a viable, respectable and more cost-effective route for many students. Remind your child that it is possible to get into their dream school as a transfer student, with many of their prerequisites out of the way.
Encourage them to learn about the appeals processes.
If your child still has their heart set on Top Choice U, encourage them to get in touch with the school’s admissions office as many universities and colleges have an appeal process to try to reverse the admissions decision. Your child’s high school may be an additional resource for this effort. “Fighting” for something that they want can be empowering.
Look for Signs of Depression, and Get Help if Needed
All the parental support in the world might not be enough to match the bombardment of social media posts on your kid’s phone as other people get into their top-choice schools. If your child is exhibiting signs of depression – changes in sleeping, eating or hygiene habits, expressions of low self-worth, loss of interest in activities or suicidal ideation – reach out to a mental health professional. A psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist can help your child process their feelings.